The One at Fault
Adult relationships are tricky things. Often they are difficult to navigate around. I mean I suppose that's the appeal of it but sometimes it can be the frustrating part of it. The thing is, everyone we meet at this age have already been through their fair deal of tribulations and challenges that have defined them. Principles may differ, morals may vary and with the different type of love language, it's hard to decide what decisions are fair to both.
Let's talk about clinginess (is that a word?). It's a rare thing to find two people who are equally clingy with each other. There's bound to be the situation where one is more clingy than the other. And from what I've experienced and heard, the one less clingy is always the one at fault. Because people would argue that if you love this person, wouldn't you want to spend every waking moment of our life with them? or like , if you love them, shouldn't you text them more to let them feel more secure and loved? I get it I do. But I have to admit here that I am the less clingy one, and that makes me feel lesser of a person too. That's maybe something went wrong with me, that I can't love properly, that I can't make the people I love feel save and loved. They say effort and thought counts, but at the end of the day, does it really? What if I put my efforts and thoughts in something that they don't take as effort? then the whole thing goes to bust.
And at what point do you decide how much you compromise? Because being the less clingy one, you can never say "this is too much", "I need some space" because all these are viewed negative and unloving statements. Because why would you want to spend less time with the person you love? why would you think it's too much? why would you need the space? shouldn't you feel at home and at ease with the one you love, that spending time together should feel the same as being alone. And so you give in, you try and try and try to give more, to keep giving so that the relationship keeps going. But at some point, you get tired and feel suffocated then you start thinking wether is there such thing as giving too much. But then it makes you feel selfish and riddled with guilt so you keep going, trying to just keep giving and constantly wondering whats wrong with you.
What if at the end of the day, it simply means that I can't love properly. That I can't make that person happy the way it should be. That I'm not enough or will never do enough because of who I am. That something is inherently defected in me. Because space isn't something someone should be asking for in a relationship right?
But at the end of the day, you just want to do what's right by your partner. You want to make them happy like they used to be. You want to see them smile, you wanna be the one that puts that smile on their face? But can you do that if you're just a broken piece of a human? Can you still be that person for them? But you need the relationship because it keeps you sane and it keeps you whole? But you don't know how to keep it together anymore without exhausting yourself. Because you really can't explain why you feel this way, why you're less clingy, why sometimes time alone is what you need.
I am damaged goods, and maybe I don't deserve love.
Let's talk about clinginess (is that a word?). It's a rare thing to find two people who are equally clingy with each other. There's bound to be the situation where one is more clingy than the other. And from what I've experienced and heard, the one less clingy is always the one at fault. Because people would argue that if you love this person, wouldn't you want to spend every waking moment of our life with them? or like , if you love them, shouldn't you text them more to let them feel more secure and loved? I get it I do. But I have to admit here that I am the less clingy one, and that makes me feel lesser of a person too. That's maybe something went wrong with me, that I can't love properly, that I can't make the people I love feel save and loved. They say effort and thought counts, but at the end of the day, does it really? What if I put my efforts and thoughts in something that they don't take as effort? then the whole thing goes to bust.
And at what point do you decide how much you compromise? Because being the less clingy one, you can never say "this is too much", "I need some space" because all these are viewed negative and unloving statements. Because why would you want to spend less time with the person you love? why would you think it's too much? why would you need the space? shouldn't you feel at home and at ease with the one you love, that spending time together should feel the same as being alone. And so you give in, you try and try and try to give more, to keep giving so that the relationship keeps going. But at some point, you get tired and feel suffocated then you start thinking wether is there such thing as giving too much. But then it makes you feel selfish and riddled with guilt so you keep going, trying to just keep giving and constantly wondering whats wrong with you.
What if at the end of the day, it simply means that I can't love properly. That I can't make that person happy the way it should be. That I'm not enough or will never do enough because of who I am. That something is inherently defected in me. Because space isn't something someone should be asking for in a relationship right?
But at the end of the day, you just want to do what's right by your partner. You want to make them happy like they used to be. You want to see them smile, you wanna be the one that puts that smile on their face? But can you do that if you're just a broken piece of a human? Can you still be that person for them? But you need the relationship because it keeps you sane and it keeps you whole? But you don't know how to keep it together anymore without exhausting yourself. Because you really can't explain why you feel this way, why you're less clingy, why sometimes time alone is what you need.
I am damaged goods, and maybe I don't deserve love.
Comments