To my First Love

The universe is punishing me. Karma has finally come knocking on my door. I never would’ve thought that it would be 4 years later that everything would come crushing down on me. But who am I kidding, part of me always knew. I was just in constant denial.

Thing is, there was always this nagging feeling in my mind that I would be punished for what I did. So here it comes with full force. Yesterday will most probably be one of the defining moments of my life that I will remember how suffocated and painful a heart can feel. If it was just a physical pain, things would have been better. But this pain…. It’s so elusive but so crippling at the same time. I guess I brought it all upon myself. I stumbled on your blog and I read everything. Everything. From the very first blog post you put up till your most recent post. Although each month there were only 1 or 2 posts, each post was a stab to my heart at how much hurt I put you through and I was overwhelmed with how much guilt that came over me. I thought that I would’ve moved on by now, but I was just fooling myself. Truth is, I did realize very much that I hurt you, but it took me nearly 4 years to pluck up the courage to actually see how much I put you through.  

And it broke me completely.

From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for taking up so much of your time, for hurting you when you needed me the most. I left when we needed each other. It was such a pivotal time in our lives. But because of my stubbornness, I have tainted it with such bad memories. Looking back now, I’m still not sure if I made the right choice.

But one thing that I am sure of is that I don’t deserve you. I am so glad that you have found someone much more deserving of your love than me.

I am remorseful of the way that I handled our relationship during and after the break up. You deserved to know why and what was going through my mind. But my selfishness and stubbornness brought you more pain than I should have. I was young and stupid, I thought that what I was doing was right and I was so disgustingly full of myself during the time after our breakup. My time of being in denial was too ignorant and I succeeded in blocking out whatever guilt and remorse I should have felt. But in the process, I now realize that it was utterly and completely unfair to you and it was such a disrespect to the relationship that we shared.

When I woke up this morning, the second blow came in the form of facebook’s new feature. Many times the “on this day” feature brings back good memories of my secondary school life. But today, the universe has played her cards so well that on this day 5 years ago, I find myself looking at pictures from where we first met. Remember that day when you leaned onto my leg while we were just joking around? I remember it clearly as the waves of emotions that I have tried so hard to push away come back to fill my heart again. I remember that tingling feeling I had that spread to my toes. The way my heart was beating so hard as I reach out to touch your arm and the burst in my heart from the way you reacted to my touch. How it felt like my ribcage wasn't strong enough to contain my heart and how I never realized I could feel this much for someone I just met. This moment captured right here is one of the very first moments that I started falling for you. We didn’t have many photos together, but this one was my favourite of all times. It was a reminder to me of how carefree we were at that time and how easy it was for me to love you. During that time, whatever I felt was the embodiment of all those things that cheesy love stories and songs attempted to write about. Though nothing really can compare with the real thing. You were my first true love and I am glad you are. Through the tough times that we’ve been through, this is the photo I have always looked back on. But seeing it now, it’s such an irony that this picture is the one that would bring me the most pain.

Before I allow myself to crumble and finally face the music of this mess I created, I just want to let you know, I did love you. I loved you with every fibre of my being. I envisioned a beautiful future for us. I was willing to go the ends of the world for you. At one point I really did think that we were meant for each other and I really did believe in a forever with you. I was broken, but you made me whole and you showed me that loving someone and being loved back is by far the best feeling in the world that life could grant us. You have taught me many things and I have changed after meeting you. It wasn't all smooth sailing from the start, times were hard on us and our relationship was far from perfect. It started out really rough but we got through it. We were tested many times and I succumbed to the last hurdle. I’m sorry for being so weak and irresponsible. Part of me will always love you. Maybe that’s why this hurts so much.

This chapter of life that we shared is filled with so much love, laughter, joy and the inevitable hurt. And if I could go all the way back to that first page of our story, I would have still went after you. I have never regretted any of my time with you because as much as it hurts now, I look back fondly on our memories together. Our relationship was a scarred but beautiful one. We made our very own love story. One that I am very proud of. We had incredible chemistry and at that tender age, we did all that we could do to keep it going. I am eternally grateful to you for that. 

However our relationship didn’t work out. Perhaps not in this lifetime. Perhaps in a parallel universe where we are still together and I’m hoping that the version of me there is treating you right. Life has taken both of us in very different directions and we are in very different places now. I’m happy for where you are right now in life and from my heart of hearts, I wish you find that passion and thrive on it to achieve your dreams.

I never meant to hurt someone that I loved so much.

I dare not ask for forgiveness.

I only ask that life treats you well.