we've come a long way

i never thought we'd come this far. i still remember how we started, how i used to get worried if you'd leave me. with all the distance between us, sometimes the longing for each other might get a little out of hand. and those are the time when i get worried if you'd just give up and leave.

i remember how i used to blame myself whenever you said you were bored. that helpless feeling i get whenever you say something like that. but as time went by, i slowly learnt that some things are out of my control. if you're bored, then you are. i cant do anything about it. unless its my fault. hmmmm..

i remember how everything felt surreal. how i woke up in the morning, jumped on my phone just to look at the messages to make sure this isn't just one of my dreams. then i'd smile to my phone just reading the messages we've had.

i remember how i thought that keeping things to myself would be way better than confiding in you. i thought that somehow if these thoughts were kept inside, somehow they would just disappear, but man, i was wrong. when i finally told you my problems, everything felt so much better, so much clearer.

i remember how we used to not have that many phone calls at night. it felt more like i was scared of annoying you. but now, as we get closer at heart, the distance seems to bring this longing for each other, which leads to past midnight calls just to find comfort in your voice.

i remember how i used to lie to you like it's no one's business. like it wont hurt you. i now realize how lies can hurt, no matter how small they are. i can't promise i'll stop lying, but i promise i'll try to stop. i'll try real hard.

we've entered the honeymoon stage and went out of it once or twice. but somehow we'll always end up at where we want to be. i hope this will last. i hope this will never end. but people say after the honeymoon stage, we'll reach the stage where our relationship is really put to the test. but i hope we'll last.

as i said, some things are out of my control, some things are not only one sided. i'll just leave things in the hands of fate.

but i want you to know, i'm in this for the long run. i hope you are too. :)

happy 7 months baby. :)

Checkmate

So ever since i started playing chess, the word checkmate seems to have a different effect on me..

I remember saying my first checkmate to my opponent. It's just the finality in that word and the way the opponent has that helpless look in her eyes. i cant help but feel a lil cruel. this actually reminds me of how life is. it will always be cruel no matter you like it or not.

Since then, whatever i do seem to have a checkmate in it. especially during exams. each time after i finish a paper, i somehow can hear a checkmate. either coming from my side, or the opponent's side.

for today's paper, i hear checkmates coming at me from all directions.

Filicinophyta. =.= wtf is that. LOL

if you're wondering, thats a phylum. or a division of the kingdom plantae. i don't make any sense? i dont need to. :P

sorry, just a lil pissed off at my biology book for giving me so little information. that i have to carry my fat thick biology reference up and down, turning the pages to only find more info that my mind can register. haha. BUT. i don get the answer for my hw in the end. i have to actually sit down. think. connect everything together. relate em and finally get my answer. lol. so yeah. i spent the whole day doing 2 freaking pages. when i have like maybe 15 pages more? T.T

why do plants have so many division? and wth is monoecious. ecious? eeecious? delicious? LOL. okay. i should get back to my hw. enough ranting for now.

Hey! when did you come back? ...

and immediately after that statement, will be : so why did you decide to quit matrics?

i understand that people rather get the first hand answer from me and it feels like the whole thing is less true if it comes from someone else. but you know what, after nearly one and a half month since i left labuan, i really dont like hearing people asking me that question.

there are usually variations to the questions like matrics no good ha? you think form 6 easier meh? matrics only one year eh, what for you come back?

people, i hate it when you ask me those questions because i have to go back to a past where it still kinda hurts. dont judge me, i'm human and i have rights to have emotions. =.=

so my usual answer to those questions are: i'm just scared i wont get the course after matrics. then a string of questions shoots against me again.

alright, so let me clarify here (if anyone actually reads my blog), but anyway.

Matrics is actually pretty good, aside from the living condition there and the food, it's actually not that bad. if you have friends that is, i had a bunch of awesome friends there, so all the homesick feelings and stuff didnt really hit me that bad. and the syllabus there is easier than form 6 or a levels. plus the college organizes all these activities to build your character and stuff, and you really get to have a pretty cool experience in trying new things. anddd. according to what people say, it's easier to get into local u with the course you want. at this point, you must be wondering why i came back and your tempted to ask me more again. =.=

this is the true reason. after going through all the jpa shit, it just sort of punctured a huge gaping hole in my self esteem. i actually feel incompetent to pursue what i want. and frankly, i just got brain drain, i lost hope in the government because it felt like even if i managed to get four flat in matrics with all the kk marks and stuff, i still won't get what i want in the uni. then what would i be left with? i'll have to repeat the foundation course in some private u. wouldn't it all be the same in the end? i won't get what i want and i'll just be wasting my parents money. and truth be told, it feels like matrics wont be able to give me a strong enough foundation for the course that i'm about to pursue. and jpa sort of got me thinking about my ambition. maybe i'm having second thoughts hmm? but i believe form 6 will help me decide. and the syllabus here is really hard actually. so i'll be more prepared to face uni life next time. pluss.. i'll be more mature after this. andd. form 6 give me a chance to go into local u, private u and even overseas.

so there, these are the reasons why i came back. so dont freaking ask me why anymore. if you do, i'll literally shove a fork up your ass. ==

but, no one will read this, and there will still be people who will ask. but it feels good to let it out.

and in case any of the juniors got matrics, just go if you want to. it's a good place with good things for you. it's just that different people have different choices. and i've been through different things.

that aching feeling....

the painful reminder everytime i see that word. :(

sorry, feeling a little emo after reading "the notebook" :/

I miss you

If the only place where I could see you was in my dreams, I'd sleep forever

T.T

i don't like this feeling. i need reassurance again. help me...
or just kill me now. =.=

“It is when we all play safe that we create a world of utmost insecurity”

“A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity"

i should hold these close to my heart. :/