Slip of judgement

I've been having a lot of hard nights lately. Some principles that I'd held on for so long seem to dissipate too easily nowadays. It's frustrating but it also shows how easily life changes or more specifically, how easily I change. 

I used to pride myself in being a person with principles. I pride myself in a lot of things that I've realized were nothing much to take so much pride from. Maybe it was just a way to compensate what I was lacking. Because there comes a time in life where pride won't mean much anymore.

On nights when the skies seem darker and the room seems quieter, I can't help but reflect on my life decisions. But I have to admit my brain has eliminated alot of difficult times as an attempt to protect me. But lately these memories have resurfaced and I am forced to really evaluate what made me this way. 

I've changed a great deal over the years and as of right now, I'm still not sure if it's for the better or worse. It won't be easy to revert back to my old ways anymore. I've lost that sense of balance in my life and I think that is the thing that bothers me the most. Lately, I can't control my emotions or my thoughts. I have been having such horrible judgements and thoughts of people around me. The rational part of me knows that they all care for me, maybe way more than I deserve. But the emotions, they bubble up so fast lately that I'm becoming someone that i would've despised. 

Everyday, I desperately search for a balance, a string of hope that some sense of balance still exists in me. What scares me the most is I'm not sure there's anything in me to hold onto anymore. I might just have to forge a new path all over again. Don't get me wrong though. I don't think being emotional is bad, but I think I'm not in the right thinking frame to be emotional just yet. My soul seems to be in a darker place now and I'm making bad choices based on my emotions. It's unfair to everyone around me and I realize it. But I can't help it. 

Is this an identity crisis at the age of 23? I thought I would've figured out life by now. What a joke. Haha. 

So I had a slip of judgment last night. I texted an old friend. Someone that I believe would listen but not judge me for what I had to say. I just felt like I didn't have anyone to turn to so I turned to you. Things didn't go too well. We were in a sticky situation. Although I was pretty conscious of the consequences of my actions, I did it anyway. What a jerk. Thinking about it today, I am filled with guilt and regret. My values went down the drain last night and I might have just done something really stupid. I tried apologizing and all that. But I'm pretty sure the damage is done. To my little one, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to jeopardize anything. It was a complete slip of judgement on my side and I know explaining it now won't make up for anything but I just needed to get this off my chest. 

I really should stop letting the monsters in me feed on my negative energy. 

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.